A Note to Real Estate Agents, Buyers and Sellers

We have been in the process of trying to get our house on the market for over two years. Lack of funds, time and good babysitters means we've had to do most of the work ourselves, piecemeal, and it sucks. We missed the peak, the beginning of the decline and now that we're well into the doldrums, we're just about ready to sell.

In my I-can't-do-another-thing moments, I sit and search real estate listings and try to remind myself why we're doing all this. I've noticed a few things, things I must share. It's a tough market out there, and hopefully these tips will help someone.

NOTES TO AGENTS:

1. Learn to spell. Failing that, please write your listings in a good word processing program that has spell-check, then copy and paste the corrected version into the MLS. Poor spelling is always annoying, but it makes me loathe to even think of dealing with you as a listing agent on a property I'm interested in if you are so oblivious and/or careless as to mangle words related to your own profession, such as SALE, SUITE or LOCATION.

2. Learn to take decent photos. You don't have to become a pro, just keep your thumb out of the shot, make sure you're photographing the home's rooms and features instead of just the homeowner's stuff (I'm not buying the couch, bed, dining set or cool antique sewing machine, so I don't need a closeup). This goes double for people's trinket collections, especially if it's something creepy like dolls (shudder). Also, and this is just a pet peeve, turn off the TV in the media room EVEN IF IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME and the seller pitched a fit. If it's that important to them that they not miss a single minute, they should have gotten a Tivo. I'm really tired of looking at pictures of 52" football games.

For advice on taking good listing photos (and examples of bad ones), I recommend this blog.

3. If the house backs up to the freaking cemetery, you might as well mention that in the listing instead of wasting everyone's time. I guarantee you'd only get very serious buyers coming through the door. Same deal with the house that shares a 9-foot barbed wire fence with an impound lot, and the house that's pretty much IN the busy restaurant's parking lot.

4. Don't be snotty. Just don't. It doesn't impress anyone, and neither does your leased Mercedes, Hummer or Lexus. Be polite, return phone calls, and always remember that (especially in my area) you never know who you are dealing with, so it's safest to treat everyone as if they were a big shot.

NOTES TO BUYERS:

1. My house has people living in it. Two of them are under the age of four. We also have a cat. I'm sorry if you hate children, or cats, with the fiery passion of ten thousand suns. I promise if you buy my house, I will take my children and my cat with me, along with every trace of their existence. The toys in the playroom and cat litter box in the laundry room should not be deal breakers for you, but to listen to the real estate agents tell it, there are a lot of you out there who will run screaming for the hills if they get the slightest inkling that real people and (the horror) animals live in a house. News flash -- this house is twenty-four years old. People and pets have been here. If you want a brand new, model home, feel free to go overpay for one.

2. My taste in decor may not be your taste. I get that. I've done my best to neutralize it, but I'm not dropping ten or twenty thou at Pottery Barn so my agent can write "Picture Perfect Pottery Barn Charmer" or something like that in the listing description. Like the kids and pet, it's all going with me when I leave, so if you can't stand the sight of it, fear not! Buy my house and I'll take it all somewhere else! (And for the record, none of it is horrible or outlandish -- it's just that I've watched those House Hunter shows where some guy is all "Hmm. I don't like that couch." or "I hate green." and moves on to the next listing.)

3. When I say "at least one hour's notice" I mean it. Don't show up before then unless you want an eyeful of dirty dishes, piled laundry, half-dressed children or worse. I have two boys under four, anything could happen. My oldest likes to answer the door with his pants around his ankles. Heck, if it's the moment I've seized to be able to shower, you could see ME naked ... and you don't want that. Trust me.

4. We pay our mortgage on time every month and have for the last eight years. We have put serious money into the improvement of this home. If you want to buy a broken down, nasty, as-is foreclosed-on home and deal with all the attendant hassles, be my guest, and I hope you get an awesome deal on a diamond in the rough. But don't expect me to price my home like one of those. The reason you like my house better is because it IS better, and therefore worth the somewhat higher price we're asking for it. We're not asking for 2005 prices here ... but we're not going to give it away, either. Like I said, we pay our mortgage. We may want to move, but we don't HAVE to -- and it's not worth it to us for less than a certain price. Deal with it.

NOTES TO SELLERS:

1. The summer of 2005 was three years ago. Please be realistic. I'm not getting an inflated price for my house, and I can't afford to pay an inflated price for yours. I respect your desire to make a modest profit, but when I see you bought for $143,000 ten years ago and want $750,000 for the same not-even-updated house today, I laugh. And if you bought in 2005, God help you. I know better than to pay what you paid, and that's public record. If you're not prepared to take the hit, don't sell the house. Unless you're going to lose it. But in that case, everyone is just going to wait for the bank to take it from you and sell it more cheaply, sorry to say. I'm not saying it doesn't suck to be you -- it does. But don't expect others to pay for your mistake.

2. If your house has an unpleasant odor -- or any odor at all, really -- please fix that issue before you sell. If you're not sure whether your house stinks, ask a trusted friend.

3. I like pets. But if you have them, please note that on the listing -- some folks are highly allergic and pet hair can be a really unpleasant surprise for them.

4. Dog poop. Pick it up. 'Nuff said.

5. Wallpaper. Take it down. Yes, it's a pain in the tush. And that's exactly why your house isn't selling -- no one else wants to deal with the problem any more than you do. Same deal with super dark paint. It's out of style, depressing looking, and a pain in the you-know-where to cover up with a lighter, happier color. So save your buyers the trouble and do it yourself, or pay someone to do it.

6. This one is going to sound a bit racist, but I'll put it out there -- if your decor is overly ethnic, tone it down. I'm not talking one or two Japanese fans on your wall -- I'm talking My Big Fat Greek Wedding-style ethnic. Odds are, the person who is going to buy your home isn't from your country (especially in the area I'm shopping in, since it is one of the most diverse in the nation), and potential buyers will have a hard time feeling at home there with your Ode to the Homeland consuming every square inch of space.

7. If you're a bleeding-heart liberal, hide the Michael Moore videos. If you're a dyed-in-the-wool conservative, stash the Ann Coulter books. We're a polarized nation and you don't need to be ticking off half your potential buyers when they look at the contents of your built-ins (and they will, because we are also a nation of nosy people). So unless the mere thought of someone of a different political bent living in your former home gives you hives, get the really controversial stuff out of public view.

There. I hope this helps someone. Pray for me as we head into the final stretch of preparations and please pray that God would guide as as we search for the very best spot to raise our family.

Summer Menus!

Except for today (raining and 48 degrees!), we've been enjoying warmer weather recently. I've switched our meal plan over to something more befitting the season. We're trying to be healthier in our choices, so we're focusing on the chicken, pork and lean beef, and trying to lose the fatty steaks and other naughties.

Some of what we've enjoyed recently or are looking forward to trying this week (if you see anything you want a recipe for, then comment and I'll post it!):

- Grilled jerk-seasoned chicken breasts topped with melted pepper jack cheese and served with sweet corn and green salad.

- Chicken pesto sausage tossed with linguine, sauteed portobella mushrooms, and basil pesto.

- Grilled tri-tip (also known as Santa Maria-style steak, a hometown delicacy for me!) served with fresh pico de gallo, brown rice and green salad.

- Mediterranean tuna salad and field greens sandwiches (made with olive oil and onions, not mayo and pickle relish) on flax bread, served with fresh fruit.

- Grilled lamb chops seasoned with a fresh rosemary, olive oil and herbed pepper rub; served with mint jelly, roasted baby red potatoes and green beans.

- Sauteed garlic chicken sausage tossed with penne pasta and cooked-until-just-wilted fresh arugula.

- Shrimp, pepper jack and shredded veggie quesadillas served with black beans and chipotle salsa.

- Grilled jerk and ancho chile pork chops with brown rice and steamed broccoli.

The go-to salad for the past couple of weeks has been a packaged fresh arugula blend that Wegmans sells, tossed with fresh pear slices, crumbled goat cheese and maple vinagrette. So delicious!

I hope this list inspires somebody on one of those can't-think-of-anything nights ... I don't pretend to be a great chef, so you know all of these recipes are easy to make and most take less than 30 minutes start to finish. Enjoy your own summer meals!

A visit from the fire department!

No, not for us, thank God ... and everything seemed to be okay at the home they were called to, as well! No one got taken away on a stretcher and nothing was on fire ... but the fire truck and ambulance did come today, with lights, sirens and everything! The kids got a good look ...





The kids proceeded to spend the next three hours playing "fire truck and ambulance" with their bikes and some sticks (for medical gear). Nothing like an emergency to liven up a long, otherwise boring day. I'm just thankful everything turned out okay!